Lately, I’ve been asked quite a few times how I REALLY feel and I wish I could put it all into words… but I just couldn’t. I have felt far too many things. So I’ll attempt to merge all my notes into one for this loaded question.
When I first found out, I was nervous and completely unsure. I had never taken a pregnancy test or had a pregnancy “scare.”
**Side note: even though I get why people use that phrase— because every scenario is different… I just can’t relate. I wasn’t scared, just jumpy. Nervous that I would be disappointed if it were to come back negative and nervous that the results would could also be positive.**
Fear wasn’t in the picture yet (that came later). I knew whatever the results would be, it was Gods will. There is nothing better than being within His will. So when that second line made its appearance within 15 seconds, I began panicking with excitement. I even called my client/friend who encouraged me to take it to confirm. She congratulated me and we hung up fairly quickly.
I began crying and laughing… I even attempted to pray a VERY scattered prayer lol 😅
Anyways, fear began to make an appearance within hours. Between letting my family and closest friends know, I began hurting AND worrying for other peoples potential reactions to our news.
I was told in 2020 by a practitioner that my hormones were off— apparently my progesterone was extremely low and my chances of conceiving could be hindered if I didn’t change certain things about my diet and sleep schedule. However, I never let what my practitioner or the results completely discourage me, because I knew deep down that the Lords will mattered more than my own. Whatever it may be.
Instead, I found myself most of last year and even early 2021 surrounded by women that God called me to comfort, who were struggling with this very fear. I didn’t go looking for this, it just happened. Looking back at it now, it was definitely spiritual… maybe even a test. Don’t get me wrong, its not that I never spoke about or processed what I was told by my doctor, I definitely discussed it with my family… It’s that, I chose not to dwell on my chances of infertility knowing well it wasn’t serving me or anybody else around me.
So with that said, I concluded that our news might hurt some of the closest people to me. I found myself feeling guilty almost daily. It even got me physically sick a few times. I wasn’t sure how to process this and I overthought it until it made me sick and cry.
And that my friend/ reader is just the beginning of what I REALLY felt.
So the days kept passing and we kept processing. We let some of our spiritual family know first, so they could stand in the gap for us and pray. We knew we needed intercession in this season and wisdom. Then we made our way to our family, with the exception of my father.
I actually told my father before anyone else; if you don’t know, my dad has been in federal prison for about 14 years. I wanted him to know how much I valued and loved him, so I gave him what I could. I even recorded his tender reaction. He was so happy even though the pain of knowing he wouldn’t see his grand daughter’s first few years were all over his voice.
I remember asking God for a miracle. Not for me but for the miracle He was knitting within me. I wanted my father to experience this and see what Jesus can do when we dedicate our homes to Him. Let’s just say 2 weeks later God made a way. He was granted house arrest after what seemed like over 100 attempts over the years. And although my biological father is still part of the system, my Heavenly Father made a way for us to at least have more intimacy for the times to come.
That’s what I felt.
A rollercoaster of emotions if you will.
Point is, I was not feeling worthy of my pregnancy and now my face was to the floor in awe of the Lords mercy and grace. There was still more to navigate though - there was more added stress, which might seem unnecessary stress to some, but it’s very real, and I know I’m not alone. Every time I peed, I would check my underwear, constantly worried I would see blood or something unsettling, each time walking out of the bathroom, praising God with a sigh of relief.
Yes, God calls us to peace, even in pregnancy, but this fear was real and very present, and so I had to take it to God each time. Needless to say, my days consisted of new bred anxieties, on top of more anxiety already there on top of more unfamiliar fears. It was one heck of ride that you only know when you are living it. One thing can’t be taken away from us though and that’s that women are extraordinary beings created to sustain these seasons!
So now that we have excitement, fear, guilt, unworthiness and worry which pretty much sums up my first trimester… let’s talk about the physical feelings— can someone say barf?
Imagine having all these emotions and thoughts swirling through you, of course it’ll make morning sickness an all day thing. 😅 I threw up quite a lot which was not the norm for me. I honestly only throw up maybe once a year, if that. With migraines up the wazzu and cancelling every photography session from week 7 to week 18, it’s safe to say I was going through it.
Taking a financial hit and a few other hits at that, all I could do is coach myself to remain grateful. It’s so easy during moments of suffering (physical or emotional) to find ourselves complaining. I tried to stay grounded in gratitude because I knew this was just part of it. Thankfully, it eventually subsided because I discovered a magic pregnancy pill called bonjesta. It’s the only reason I was able to go back to work besides Jesus, lol!
K, so a little emotional update:
By now I was feeling excitement, fear, guilt, unworthiness, worry, financial stress and physically sick with a little sprinkle of gratitude in between pukes.
With all of that, I was learning a WHOLE lot. Right off of YouTube videos, different pregnancy books/ workbooks and visiting different OBs till I found the right one. I had many moments of fear and stress with things I would experience during that process. From my first ultrasound where the doctor actually told me it looked like an empty sack (after we had already told most of our loved ones), to my first OB getting mad at me for asking her if she could check my progesterone levels, and even the process of figuring out if I was even comfortable with having a midwife, home birth or whatnot.
That was pretty much my first 16-18 weeks of pregnancy. Thankfully, I eventually found my mama voice and was empowered to make my own decisions and stick to them.
So now we can finally add a positive word to the emotion list: Empowered.
Now that we’ve closed our second trimester, I’m going to share a little bit about those emotions because… boy is there a lot of them 😬
It’s through the late nights of preparation, whether it’s reading up on postpartum or shopping/ building for baby’s nursery… I can’t help but feel a sense of grief. Almost like I’m saying goodbye to a part of myself that I will never get back again. Saying goodbye to a part of my marriage that I will never see again. Soon, we won’t know who we were without our precious gift from God. It’s a whole lot of discovery when it comes to identity.
It’s almost like our identity doesn’t change, but it evolves.
With no regret whatsoever, I’m allowing myself to grieve what’s left of the life I know before baby comes. With every kick and nudge I feel from her, I can’t help but feel this overwhelming love and excitement. Instead, I’m trying my best to have more moments like these— where I’m self-reflecting, curled up in bed and drinking some cafe con leche. Trying to soak in every last moment of this season of my life.
And boy, are these pregnancy hormones real. I’ve definitely cried a few times writing this post. Only God knows and now you, that I have been the most observant I’ve ever been. The slowest I’ve ever been. I find myself starring at my husband more now than ever. Taking in what he looks like before this new change. Looking around my home, and remembering its character. I know there are many changes coming and I cannot help but feel like I’m grieving with excitement.
Imagine finally looking down at your weight at a check up and seeing you’ve gained nearly 30 pounds already. At this moment I was extremely confused why my doctor hadn’t said anything about this extreme weight gain. I began crying right then and there. Knowing that I still had another 20 weeks to go of this pregnancy. And knowing that the recommend weight gain is typically 25 to 35 pounds. My doctor looked at me and said I look fine and sometimes the scale doesn’t calculate extra amniotic fluid, placenta weight, uterus weight gain, and yes, booby gains.
All things that still didn’t comfort me, but made sense. I am a big boned female and I am almost 5’7. But that didn’t make it any easier. I had spent the last quarter exercising weekly and trying to get my diet in order. I was experiencing severe discouragement knowing I lost my progress and gained back everything I lost and then some.
Initially, when I first sought out personal training early 2021, it was to lose some boobage because God knows these girls are really heavy and weigh me down a ton. So yeah, nothing prepared me, not even the 20 million people that told me my boobs get bigger. For them to get this big, and knowing this is just the beginning of it.
Also, I love it when people say not to give into your cravings, but there’s almost no way. Ok, fine…. I’m not going to say that there’s no way— I mean, God calls us to have a spirit of self-control. But it’s really hard OK? 😔
Imagine, after all that nausea, you finally find something that you can actually keep down AND enjoy and you don’t want to let go of it. - But then you realize- “Wait a second! Lucky charms has never been a part of my diet or “Why am I craving an egg and cheese Mcgriddle from McDonald’s?” I haven’t even eaten here since I was a junior in high school.
I’ve had many “What the heck is going on!?” moments…to say the least, lol.
That’s pretty much me… On a weekly basis. Trying to figure out what this baby ACTUALLY wants. Is it magnesium? Is it some fresh sun? Could it be some healthy glucose? Calcium?
So yeah, there is no one at fault here but myself for my newfound cellulite and whatever else has changed that I chose not to look at in the mirror. But I have to remember constantly that my worth is not found in this fleeting flesh. My worth is not found here on this earth. Not in what I look like… Not in what I have nor what I strive for… It’s a constant dying to myself where I remember I’m just called to serve God. Serve Him as a soon to be mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and confidant.
Whatever titles you have or hats you wear…. We’re called to serve Him through them all.
So friend, I’ve felt and currently FEEL a lot. But I’m excited to let you in on one very important truth:
We are not called to live or be led by our emotions. You see, the Lord calls us to a higher standard. He wants us to be led by peace when making decisions (Colossians 3:15) because emotions come and go and they will always lead us astray.
So if you’re feeling any of the emotions listed above, you are not confined to them. You are actually very capable of being in control of them. You have been given authority by your God-given right to denounce anything that robs you from the peace that can be found in Jesus.
So feel what you have to feel, friend. FEEL IT.
God gave us feelings for a reason— but instead of acting on them, take it to His feet.
Pray about it.
Surrender it.
Gods got this.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.
~ Colossians 3:15
** edited by Nikki Alvarado **